One Woman’s Search For The Perfect Man
Burn-in-hell factor for writing this: 8.895 out of 10
Stupid is who stupid does
Every time I watch Forrest Gump, I try to figure out which Jenny I am. Am I the Jenny who likes a good fuck which leaves me at the mercy of dicks – I mean the victim of child abuse who can’t love a decent man, or am I the Jenny the AIDS victim who needs a daddy for her baby – I mean the whore who learns what loves is and marries Forrest?
You gotta admit that he’s the perfect husband. A college football star. A decorated war hero. A millionaire who mows the lawn. A shrimping boat captain with a fleet of ships named after the girl he loves even though she never answered his letters.
If he found you getting a rough fuck in a car, he’d be too stupid to accuse you of anything bad. If he walked into a titty bar to find you naked on the stage, an erotic folk singer named Bobby Dylan singing, “Blowing in the Wind,” he’d still want to marry you. He’d run across America three times trying to get ahead of the heartbreak you caused when you disappeared after making love to him.
But even if I was the wholesome Jenny and married him, I don’t how I could stomach fucking him more than once.
I don’t know if it’s his haircut, those 2 inch white walls and that PeeWee Herman flattop, that makes him undoable. The scene where he cums just touching Jenny’s titty is kinda gross. And I don’t know if I could fuck a man who would come to bed wearing baby blue pajamas buttoned up to his neck. Even if he was filthy rich and highly obedient.
Highlight obedient and clueless … maybe he wouldn’t make such a bad lover after all. He’s a highly moral man who wouldn’t know it’s not right to fuck in the Olive Garden parking lot. And once he finds something he likes, like Dr. Pepper and ice cream, he consumes it ‘till he bursts! I bet that same childish passion for indulgence could be applied to sex once I got him going.
You gotta admit he looked hot in Vietnam. And when he asks Jenny to marry him as she’s walking up the stairs, his muscular neck glistens with strength. He walks like Mr. Rogers but he’s got a high, tight ass.
I can almost taste the veins throbbing on his neck as I scream between clenched teeth, “Fuck me, Forrest! Fuck me! Faster, Forrest, faster!” and the faster that bastard would go. And he wouldn’t stop just ‘cause he cums.
Okay. I could marry him, I could fuck him, but could I love him? Would a thunderstorm decide for me and send me to his bed, the same bed I ran to when I was a little girl? If I closed my eyes and forbid him from speaking, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I’m pretty sure what the morning would hold.
After making love to first man who ever cared about me, I’d wake to a searing pain in my stomach. Would I leave because I’d realize he offered a love I could never return, or would I have to admit I couldn’t face another night getting fucked by a man who sounds like he peed his pants when he cums?
Forrest is the kind of man your mom would want you to marry but your friends would make fun of you behind your back for it. I don’t know why I even think about this.
Forrest, too stupid to be cunning, was touched by God’s gentlest hand. Even if he existed in real life, The Almighty Dick would never let mine touch such soft treasure.
Next.
PS What will save me from hell for writing this: I own the collector’s edition of Forrest Gump
renegade magazine | Forrest Gump | Whorella Mundane
I’m sorry, but you have just got to get your facts straight. Jenny was no AIDS victim. She had cancer. They didn’t even have AIDS when Jenny was whoring around post-Vietnam America, and the anachronism spans at least a decade and a half.
I’ll bet you have a retard fetish, too, like “Oh, Corky. Lemme sniff those skidmarks on your Fruit-of-the-Looms!”
Oh ba dee, oh ba da.
you funny motherfucker! you want to talk about facts in regards to forrest gump? do you think he went to china to play ping pong and met john lennon? you kill me. seriously. thanks for your comment. wait ’till i tell forrest! he’ll crack up – well if i tell him to.
so do i have a retarded fetish? if i did, you’d be highly do-able. are you looking for a date? i actually think the hottest retarded boy is Daniel McMahon from The Other Sister. more on that in another column. but to date men in general these days, one must be tolerant of retards but they do come in handy.
now i must kick your ass. they did have AIDS in the late 70s, Forrest Larsen.
in the late 70s, when AIDS surfaced, it was referred to as a kind of cancer. even when jenny says she’s sick, she says she had a kind of cancer – which perfectly described the diagnonis at the time, when they weren’t sure what it was. according to the DCD, in 1981, it was still thought to be cancer. it wasn’t until 1982 that they linked the disease to the blood.
post-vietnam america could include now. everything since 1975 could be called post-vietnam. apple computer was founded in 1976. the nike swoosh appeared in the late 70s as did AIDs. but they never really show you when she stopped whoring around but there is an incubation time, remember? even if she stopped fucking every hippy within reaching distance, the disease would have appeared later.
but this should upset you: the smiley face came around in 1967 so how they had forrest creating while wearing a nike swoosh is beyond me – and the ’shit happens’ bumber stickers didn’t appear until two decades later. but i digress. get my facts straight about forrest gump. i’m still chuckling.
but in 1978, certain populations were showing what would be called AIDS. it’s the fact that jenny had fucked around and did a lot of drugs that leads you to believe she had AIDS. she didn’t say she had liver cancer or breast cancer – they didn’t know.
it was just another thing to make you pity her – lead you to believe she had AIDS – but i was always pissed that little forrest didn’t get it nor did big forrest. but she’s always so skinny, how the hell could you tell?
so chad, you can blow me till you burst!
amazon.com says jenny dies of AIDS … ah ha ha and mr.cranky who rates movies says it is aids and calls people like you shitheads for not knowing it.
read the movie reviews – they say she died of AIDs although it was not stated, but she said she had ‘an unknown virus’ which leads you to believe it was AIDS given her background and the time period. and the book was written in 85 when aids was a very chic disease.
i showed everyone at work your comments and we’re having quite a time of this! but yeah jenny looks pretty healthy but she has to be pretty after all.
in the book, forrest gump gets high – big pot smoker! that’s the forrest i know and love …
Well, shit. I guess it makes perfect sense now, since they weaved in every other historical circumstance between the early Sixties and mid-Eighties. I thought I had you, you know? I had immense faith in the memory that Jenny told Forrest she had cancer, not AIDS, and also that AIDS was at its inchoate stages in the Eighties, not the Seventies. I guess that’s sort of the ropes when you associate the disease almost universally with Freddie Mercury and other high-profile victims of the time. Poor guys. Sometimes I think of George Michael too, but that’s just wishful thinking.
While I thank you for challenging my deeply-held assumptions, I’m concerned that if Jenny really had AIDS, then both Forrest and little Forrest (the lovable Haley Joel Osmont) may have had the disease as well. After a little research, I estimate the time of young Forrest’s conception as sometime after 1976, the year that that the dual Steves, Jobs and Wozniak, incorporated Apple Computer. If you’ll recall, Lieutenant Dan had purchased shares of the IPO and made Forrest rich beyond his wildest dreams in a scene before Forrest and Jenny had got around to knocking boots (they’re made for fuckin’, Nancy). So if Jenny really had contracted the disease in the mid-seventies, then it’s likely that Forrest and his progeny both got it from her (the latter in utero, of course), and all disputes aside, I just have to ask: do you still want a piece of that ingenuous cock, even if it is tainted with fatal illness?
All of this is irrelevant, however, if Jenny got AIDS after the birth of her son, but are we not led to believe that she had cleaned up her life by then? Maybe I’m tugging at my bootstraps. I guess It all boils down to the fact that I saw Forrest Gump when I was about 10 years old, and lacking much acquaintance with the glittering Eighties and the proper AIDS timeline, the clever allusion escaped me. I hope you had a good laugh at my expense, and you don’t really think that I take any of this seriously.
i just happened upon forrest gump on tv last nite. jenny tells forrest that she has a virus that the doctors don’t understand. she dies in 1982, perfect timing to be an early aids/hiv victim.