Those Damn Hecklewoods Again!

Posted by admin in Art, Clothing on 06 22nd, 2006 | no responses

Portland | Esther Mammilian

Total Major White Trash Party

Hecklewood Store | 2431 NW Thurman | hecklewood.com
Here in the Northwest of Portland, we try to cultivate and encourage healthy living. We pride ourselves on our quiet side streets and neighborhood community centers. Well, most of us have pride. It seems some here in the cultured NW would rather dispense with manners and civility. Some would find it appropriate to be brutish and vulgar.

Yes, I think you know who I’m gossiping about. Of course it’s the Hecklewoods. The clan from central Oregon who’s love for PBR, Cheeze Whiz and Handguns goes back generations. These people on Saturday night turned our wholesome sanctuary of old fashioned homogeny into some episode of that morally devoid show, The Dukes of Hazzard. Blaring their “classic rock”, the “Jams!” as one of them defined so eloquently to me. In all my years I have never had my sense of isolation and fear of others, abused so thoroughly. I almost feel the need to start a smear campaign which in my mothers days they called ‘did you hear what happend last night’.

Well, the ruckus started around 7 p.m. and went until the god awful hour of 11 p.m.! In that time I watched as the washing machine/beer cooler was slowly emptied of these big brown bottles of beer. All the while young ladies looking anything but, strolling around tipsy and cursing. Young boys with bandanas and jeans with holes in them. Obviously they don’t understand the importance of demonstrating to others their obedience and submission to authority. The fear of being left behind will slowly turn their souls into a black mass of tar and sawdust. They haven’t had their dreams crushed yet. They will soon though, they will soon.

Anyway, the Hecklewoods seem to think that having “artists” show up and display prints of unicorns vomiting up rainbows and fun happy things, will help them rise out of the depths of cultural retardation. But it won’t. To those who came and surrendered their sense of shame (which is my greatest weapon) they had a loud, rocking, beer guzzling hillbilly of a time. I pray for all of them, Adam Haynes, Corey Smith, Carey Haider, and Lee Zeman. These young men have their whole futures ahead of them and here they were just wallowing in PBR’s, waist deep in Van Halen and ruining their good names by displaying their wonderful and intriguing art work. It must take the mind of a hippie to find all the images on Adam’s TMWT shirt.

A challenge any grandmother would love to take on, given the right combination of my prescription with cold medicine and the wheel of fortune. I think I could spend the evening giggling to myself and staring at this shirt. Oh damn those hecklewoods. They would probably ruin my “Trip night” anyway. The store is also exhibiting new paintings and limited posters. Well, someone must of heard my prayers because it seems that a certain group of white trash won’t be having another party until next month. I guess I’ll just have to pray extra hard with extra cold medicine.