Getting German With Booze
Seattle | Susannah Wheeler
Here is why I like German people: They know how to fuckin drink beer. Oh and they love them some David Hasselhoff. But more importantly they know how to fuckin drink beer. Case in point. De Bier Stube. Translation “The Beer Stube”. Located only a few blocks from my old High School stomping ground, this place makes me wish I was even more of a raging alcoholic in my youth. You know that saying I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger. Well here is why I was the naivest mother fucker on the planet. In places like De Bier Stube they serve beer out of giant glass boots. I’ll let that sink in a little… I don’t know about you but I hear angels playing harps. Here is why drinking out of a giant shoe like glass is fuckin more awesome than a topless bronzed David Hasselhoff: It only takes one to get shitcanned. And not only that but the boot gets harder and harder to drink out of as you get more poopfaced. And not only that but WATCHING people trying to drink out of a giant boot that is very top heavy so that all the gold liquidy goodness spills out on shirts, tanks, booby tassels, and chest hair might be the funniest thing evvvvvvvver!!!!! Don’t get me wrong seeing someone trip and have whatever is in their hands fly into unknown is always FUNNY. However seeing someone shitty and slurring, with their one lazy drunk eye closed trying to look cool while spilling an entire giant glass boot of savory German beer on their front, yelling at their dumb shit broad of a girlfriend that he’s “okay to drive” is in fact …THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. God I love when people get mad and drunk. Plusss it speeds up the whole “let me buy you a drink so that you gradually get drunk and want to go home with me” game. You buy that bitch one of these giant boots, she giggles and excepts, and by the end of that precious piece of alcoholic footwear she either barfs all over the table, or hops right into your car. I smell a winner either way.
So until Americans learn to serve Pabst Blue Ribbon out of a giant toilet bowl glass, I’m sticking to the German part of my heritage. And to end my rant and before my buzz wears down I will leave you with these words of wisdom from that beloved German icon swim-suit wearing, singing piece of talented ass:
“There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me.”
—David Hasselhoff
Lovins,
Booze
Susannah,
I love this, I couldn’t stop laughing. Lady you are so talented, keep it up. Take care!! Robin
brilliant. i’m half german and we love to drink beer out of pretty much anything. Hollowed out stuffed animals, bidets and, yes, toilet bowls too. In fact anything that we can get our hands on, if they aren’t busy holding a bratwurst or a nice boob.
i feel drunk just reading this article. HIGHlarious. can i subscribe to your newsletter?
This is one sweet article. The way you mix sarcastic humor with observed truths is magical.
Keep it up Booze hound.