Oh Snap! The Saddest Personals Ad
Seattle | Tyler Benson
Personal ads are touchy material. They are interpreted by many as a desperate soul’s final reach for human connection, and picking on it would be like making fun of the autistic (Who are lame, but can draw pretty good, I guess). It’s an area of critique where you can ultimately crash and burn like the Hindenburg if you shoot at it from the wrong angle or you will be praised and hovered above the Super Bowl like the Goodyear Blimp if you sell it the right way. I plan on critiquing this child until I start to sympathize with her; from there I’ll decide to comfort her in my manly proverbial arms while citing why my plight almost mirrors hers, but includes much healthier food choices.
Excited? I am…almost as excited as when I checked the personals and screamed out, “Oh Snap…That Is The Saddest Personal Ad On The World Wide Web”
So let’s start where things usually start…in the beginning. Our heroines first few lines set the stage for an all out soul revelation. “I have no idea how people actually meet each other.” Yes…this eventually becomes painfully aware. Moving forward…”Grinding against drunk aberzombies isn’t my thing, even if they’re HOTT with 2 T’s.” Did you see what she just did there? She alienated 99% of her audience. Two paragraphs in and she’s already down to old men posing as twenty-somethings and the elderly blind. Calling boys that like to party “Aber-zombies” isn’t setting the stage for an open mind, which is what needs to happen in this forum. Using a phrase “HOTT with 2 T’s” immediately gives cold sweats to all inquiring closed-minded readers; thus, what you’re left with is either a poor man’s Ray Charles or a former “To Catch a Predator” storyline.
The dog and pony remain the same throughout this historically brief introduction area. Why bring “brief” into the equation? Typically, the introduction is considered an elevator speech all about you. Spell out your assets and develop a mystery around yourself, to which the reader fills in their ideal blanks. “Less is more” is a cliché, but it doesn’t ring any truer than when talking about you. On average, most introductions are under 100 words. Here, we are given a masters thesis of 604 words. Some words express her views on pillow talk, “I’m kind of a spazz sometimes. But “eccentric” spazz, not “short bus” spazz,” while other words convey her fondness of fine spices “herb friendly (cilantro rocks!).” While I applaud her grasp upon her own identity, 604 words about yourself is basically a check list of 504 words underneath the title “Why I don’t want to get to know you”.
The part of the ad where you’re asked rhetorical questions upon which short, concise answers gauge a deeper sentiment is once again taken advantage of by a lot of fucking words. Once again, average amount of words used here is 400; this young thing tops the charts with 1115. Don’t get me wrong, words are great to use…I use a lot of words…there is just a time and place to use them. Companionship will point to the idea that a significant other will envision you as who they wish you were for the first year of the relationship; after the initial honeymoon phase, then you can dump 1115 words on them. We are greeted with admissions of wanting to be invited to a fantasy dinner party with a literal cashew nut, “Caleb (an eccentric Cashew who’s eccentricities are fueled by his unrelenting drive to explore the depths of his psyche and embrace his darkside and give it noogies),” droplets of poetry and intended misspellings into her “what are you looking for in a partner”, “significant other/worthy opponent/mischievous companion/trusty sidekick/partner in crime/phenomenal phuck/forbidden dance partner, what-have-you” and we read that a song in the “soundtrack to her life” would be by the band “Chixdiggit!,” which I believe I mentally put down as a deal breaker in the opposite sex upon passing the 11th grade.
On and on the words come. Entering the one word answer section I became caught quite off guard with two responses. The response to “Who is your favorite musician of all time?” got me riled up. “Ben Lee. I know he’s a pussy, but I love him anyway.” Whoa…I’m sorry…maybe I’m a little old school record shop employee, but if you’re claiming that a certain musician is your “favorite of all time”, there is absolutely zero negative things to be said. I don’t care how jaded you are by life. “Favorite of all time” means just that. You start spinning that ho-hum ‘tude and create something positive. “Ben Lee…he gets so much pussy” would be a response that lets me know you actually respect this guy, let alone refer to him as “favorite of all time”. The second response got me for its attempted shock value while playing coy when asked “what you would be doing if you weren’t still asleep at 10am on a Sunday afternoon?” “masturbating?” Bzzzzz…sorry. You are rocking the masturbating response the way an 8th grader who just learned the word would rock it. It is necessary to be proud! “Masturbating!” or “Watching pornography in build up to masturbating” or any variation of the two is key. Own your self-love, dammit, because by placing a question mark at the end of the statement you aren’t even renting it. (double-snap!!)
Although I was initially convinced that this was sad “tongue kissing Flavor Flav on national TV”, after becoming more acquainted with the material and really finding out what this young lady had to say I’m beginning to lean a little bit more towards sad “guy got kicked in the nards and can’t make babies anymore.” The girl obviously has writing chops and personality; she just may be choosing to show it via wrong place/ wrong time. If you want to write like this then start up a blog, write a letter to the President, deface public property…just don’t try to attract a soul mate by letting him know that you are screwier than a robot’s sphincter BEFORE he gets to know you.
Her writing in this personal ad would be akin to a butcher handing you a pound of flank steak then following with, “You know that the flank is right near the asshole. Shit comes out of the asshole. A lot of shit. Some of the shit probably got into the flank right there in your hand because when they kill the cow they just slice that son of a bitch right down the middle and rip out his intestines and shit just gets to flying everywhere, especially on the flank. Yep…the flank steak…nature’s muscular toilet paper.”
See there…a simple case of too much information.
I want to comfort and assure this young lady that she is not the only lonely person in this city. Hell, I’m typing this up on a Saturday night not because I don’t have time during the week, but because I have absolutely zero people to hang out with. Now, now now…none of that “Well, she looks like Danny DeVito”. I, for example, am absolutely stunning. I am basically carved out of granite and adorn the face of a Grecian god, but do you know why I’m lonely? Because I’m a captious asshole, that’s why. From the read of things, so is this gal. We are quick to judge and have a very vicious opinion; people like to qualify that in the classification of “writer”. However, when it comes down to it, you can’t be angst ridden about being all alone if you’ve chosen this mental state. Life is lonely when you take notice and have an opinion, but I assure you that the entire thing is easier for others to swallow when you are tasty eye-candy such as myself.
this is the best damn article i have ever read in my life, ever. thank you internet writer.
nice…….
i am envious of writers.
and i’m racist too.
so get paid.
-e
Thats HOTT with 2 T’s
good writing… fuckin hilarious
Classic T-bag…..Enjoyed the descriptive analogies and curt preconceptions.
It’s good to see you putting Saturday night to shame. Seriously, where do you get off posing as “tasty eye candy”? I see where you’re going with this thing but, bad form in using “Poor mans Ray Charles”. If you use the blind in an example they should also be made fun of.
Yet again it is a pleasure and a privlidge to see that being a condesending asshole is funny to other people too. Loved it, but i couldnt read the personal very well..sounds like i didnt want to.
You’re funny, you should write for the new yorker hahahaha
I think maybe cutting down the exerpts from the personals a little more would help-I found myself laying into the scrolling ball on the mouse, searching for punchlines. You’re the bright shining star, Mr. Benson, don’t hide behind those captured screens.
Nice one. I always knew you’d amount to something. Aim high, pony boy.
This is street cred you can take to dinner at the Schaefers.
:V
what the f, post the comment about this shit i liked.
Tyler Benson is funny.
sounds like the perfect gal for me…when can i meet her? does it say anything about her sucking toes?
People think that just because you’re writing a personal ad they have to find that right person on the first shot. Or to simply make an ass out of themselves to make them feel better and “just” on the subject they are writing about. Nicely Done my friend.
Tyler Benson is hilarious. I can’t wait for his next article.
Well its no Cat Fancy but baby steps…one day you’ll get to write about the sad personal ad of Muffy the tubby tabby cat