Renegade Magazine

Portland/ Tyler Benson

“Portland, OR is a city that, if it could, would power itself on the sound (apathetic sigh).” You know who said that?…Patton Oswalt. Patton was here on the Comedians of Comedy Tour a fortnight back and dropped this observation about Rose City. You know what…he nailed it. You know how I know…right here…and right here. The good news: if you wanted more advice from questions asked on facebook.com’s Portland, Network open forum, you’ve get a dose below.

Of course, you could always write in with a question to the comment board below, or even to dan@renegademag.com. Life would be so much more fun for you if you did…it’d be like if Portland rain were actually cream soda, but it wasn’t sticky after it dried on you. Wouldn’t that be great? I can promise you this heaven…but only if you ask me questions…oh, that’s right!!! “Oh Snap!…STIPULATIONS FOR CREAM SODA WEATHER ARE ON THE TABLE!!! Will you do your part for the revolution?”

–any1 doing nething fun on holloween?

Listen up here, high school girl…your posting of a question isn’t a text message; it isn’t going to appear on your phone bill for your dad to pay; when he gets the bill he isn’t going to ask you if you’ve been texting boys; this isn’t going to segway into an interrogation about your sexual activity, so let’s just type out things in normal speak before its considered “dope” and “hip-hop happening” to do what you just did.

I digress…no, nobody is doing anything fun for Halloween. You know why? Halloween is an “Ideal Holiday.” An “Ideal Holiday” is a holiday that promises a fucking blast and creates for you a cookie-cutter expectation on the amount of “shenanigans” you should be getting yourself into. These holiday ideals have been subliminally dictated to you through mediums such as TV sitcoms and teen movies since you learned how to masturbate. The basic Halloween ideal:

Customary costumed mischief with the (fellas/ladies); going to some crazy fun party with free alcohol at a house of a rich kid who you’ve never met before; chatting up all of the (girls/boys) wearing a (hackneyed / “Sexy (Place Occupation Here)”)costume on; getting smashed out of your gourd; worrying yourself with a case of the (“I think I pulled out in time, I can’t afford to be a dads”/ “I need this baby so I can feel completes”); reminiscing about the whole thing with your (buddies/ wifey’s) the next morning over brunch before you play (fantasy football/ cook and clean.)

Let me sum up for you what’s going to happen…none of that. Not even a little bit of that is going to happen. Sorry to say, but not even that delicious brunch idea is going to happen because you’ll still be too throw-uppy from drinking that pint of peppermint schnapps, 151 and Gatorade on an ill-chosen dare; oh, plus that 8-ball you took on by yourself won’t exactly be leaving you with the munchies.

Your night: You will end up at a bar/club of some sort. You will need to wait in line for this bar/club of some sort in the freezing cold for up to 35 minutes simply to go inside and show everybody else what you are dressed as (i.e.: Jack Sparrow or a girl in lingerie for no reason at all). Tack onto that 12 minutes in line per drink, people who are already too drunk bumping into you, the cold-to-hot temperature change that has made you sweaty and the only singles are uppity-bitches/frat-tastic.

This is exactly what happens every year, but every year you convince yourself how amazing it’s going to be. It’s like New Years. Where the hell is the fun in being crowd-fucked by cologne splashed marketing reps from Vancouver, having to find parking in a city whose downtown holds approximately 65 cars and paying more for a Jack and coke than you would for a bottle of Jack Daniels and a liter of cola? New Years is a money whore, the 4^th of July is a birthday celebration to a country you aren’t too keen on at the moment and Labor Day is simply an excuse for New Jersey trash to wear unflattering white pants one last time.

The only two acceptable Holidays to ever go out?…Thanksgiving and Christmas. What were you thinking was going to happen on Thanksgiving? Oh, I’m going to eat some turkey and watch grandpa pet the dog…I didn’t know I was going to be doing lines off the tits of some stripper at Sassy’s. What were you thinking was going to happen on Christmas? Oh, I’m going to eat some ham and act like Santa Clause is real in front of my cousins…I didn’t know I was going to be riding a zebra across the Burnside Bridge in a Condor Man costume while high on the black-tar heroine I got from Robert Downey Jr. All that fun and you didn’t even think it was going to happen.

To summarize; when you’re told you should be doing something fun (losing virginity), you will most likely not have fun doing it (8 seconds is only good at the rodeo, cowboy.) Don’t fall for the good times that status quo promises you. Just because there are promises of cake and soda doesn’t mean it’s going to be a fun party. You’re an adult now; you can have cake and soda whenever you want, not just in specifically sanctioned arenas. Remember how much fun your 20^th b-day surprise party was? There was cake and soda there that you didn’t even expect. Remember how much fun your dead Aunt Ingred’s wake was? There was cake and soda there that you were, in fact, expecting.

The moral: surprise yourself and stop mourning dead Aunt Ingred…she ain’t coming back. Do yourself a favor next Halloween weekend and just rent Halloween.

–Anyone into Chiptunes here in PDX?

If Chiptunes is anything that has to do with Chip and Dale covering popular Bel Biv Devo songs, then yes…very into Chiptunes right now…

–Looking for the Finest Extra Virgin Olive Oil? Give Brian a call @ 503 914 6505

You’ve obviously done your research, Brian. You’ve found that teenagers-to-20 something’s are always, ALWAYS, hard up for extra virgin olive oil. They are normally inconvenienced by 2 problems: a) where to find the FINEST EVOO in town. b) that sellout feeling they get from purchasing EVOO from a grocer with actual quality regulations distributed by some company suit. If only their was a way to maintain indie-street credentials by purchasing olive oil from somebody that I don’t actually know over a social network…but now I’m living in Looney-Ville.

Brian, I’m sure that you’ll sell 10 billion mason jars of your homemade olive oil. After you make more money than God, perhaps you could supplement in even more money than God by giving seminars for a nominal fee to would-be entrepreneurs about the brand new business venture of selling items once considered “grocery store only” through social networking. Imagine if one day I could purchase Coco Puffs, band-aids and yeast infection balm from a guy who made it right in his very own bathtub.

–hey everyone! i didn’t even know this site existed until a couple weeks ago… I’m a myspace freak…… anybody wanna be my friend on here?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Message posted: Oct. 4^th
Friends count on Oct. 31^st: 4…HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!
Sometimes you don’t even need to meet a person face-to-face to know that they’re a loser…thank you for turning scientific theory into scientific fact, online social network.

Portland | Ralph Kramden

Out from the drudgery of Portland’s always-struggling dance scene comes Various, a monthly hosted by dj’s Ryan Organ and Monkeytek. With almost a year under its belt, Various has found its recent residency at Branx 320 SE 2nd, dropping all things dub every first Saturday of the month. Monkeytek and Ryan Organ specialize in dub-oriented selections from classic 70’s dub to dancehall, ragga jungle to dubstep. Various is also known for supplying a healthy dose of featured guests each month, making sure the nights dj’s all blend within its context. But one thing that differentiates this night from others around town is the subtle precision and care that goes on behind the scenes. (more…)

Portland | Hank Stram

To think I almost didn’t even go to Branx this Saturday. The biggest night the Rotture/Branx space has seen since it’s inception. The place was packed and partying. An old city bus on third street had a dj on top, upstairs had a beat boxer and live band, the balcony had smoking. The space where the game store that had been there was now a full stage filled with people dancing and where there used to be tables for video gaming now had costumed and intoxicated fun-ness running around. (more…)

There is a thing a called “Too Safe”.

Portland / Tyler Benson

Hey gang…way to step it up! I got approximately….zero, goose egg, donut-hole questions from all of you. Do drugs and sex really make you that apathetic? I know you’re reading…I’ve got the statistics right here in my hot little hand. I’ve got the Google search phrases and everything. One person found Renegade Magazine by way of the phrase “Feltching with dad”. Another person found us en route for “Famous World War 2 fighter pilots.” How do things like that even happen? Look at me…asking you questions now. Come on people. It’s not that hard. Whatever the hell is on your mind just type it below and I’ll answer it later. You can set me up for a smart ass response if that would make you feel better. You’d get to be the Dick Smothers to my Tommy Smothers. See all the fun we could have? No deal?…alright, you wanna wear the daddy pants and show me your stuff? Go ahead! Give me the written word equivalent of a full-tongue raspberry. Say scathing things about my mama or my miscarriage. Either way, now’s your time to shine as a big man, Big Man. (more…)

New York | Onion News Network
In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

Victoria | Jason Keels

Finally what the internet has been needing for so long. A site dedicated to all the kinky sex going on. With all those video cameras out there, thousands of amateur videos were going to waste. Not any longer, just like its older and more popular cousin site (youtube) videos from around the world are uploaded for your voyeuristic sex experience. youporn.com is the void in porn that we didn’t even know was there.

Portland | Dan Hagan

The Hecklewoods have brought Matt Cipov’s art work to Portland. This introduction was formalized on Saturday night’s opening of his latest work. Music was held down by Hostile Tapeover whose entire set is done with only cassettes and almost all singles. (more…)

Portland | Cecil Brown

On a night that brought down this “writer” from Olympia and a dj from Seattle, Juicy at Rotture was were “its going down”. Juicy has become a steady night which will always have dancing, drinking and drancing. (more…)

Seattle | Alex Ander

Stumptown has now opened two stores in Seattle with one also a roaster. I know I shouldn’t say this, but, Stumptown Coffee is the best coffee in Seattle and by default, the world. This is coffee for those who love coffee, not for the caffeine (which is also loved) but for the taste. Coffee that tastes delicious. Yes, coffee that tastes as good as it smells. Their history in Portland has been one of understanding that quality before quantity is how to build loyal customers. (more…)

Olympia | Hank Stram

On my way back from Canada’s biggest paper clip conference in Vancouver, when I made my way to the Royal Bocce Bar of Olympia. This huge old warehouse had lots of lights. Not club lights, but warm living room lights and lamps. Comfortable couchs, tables and chairs. I liked it. Bocce on each end of the bar plus it’s cash only. Here’s more info in their own words. (more…)

Portland | Cecil Brown

The Fez Ballroom hosted Yarah Bravo, Vadim and Abstract Rude on Saturday night. A night of predictable hip hop with an uninspiring performance. I’m coming more and more to the conclusion that Hip Hop is a great studio product which isn’t interesting live. (more…)

Portland | Jessie McCoy

If you haven’t heard The Bugs yet drop what you’re doing and go the their myspace (http://www.myspace.com/thebugsoogabooga) now! If you haven’t seen The Bugs yet, drop what you’re doing, go to their myspace, and find out when their next show is. I’m not kidding people, go now, what I have to say can wait. (more…)

Double SNAP! 2 of 2, Good advice is half the battle!

I’ve had only two dreams as far back as I can jog my memory. The first dream finds me waking up on a rock, discovering earth is in some post-apocalyptic ordeal with the Mormon church at the forefront, some guy who looks like Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon is trying to kill my sister, a penguin is eating a hamburger at a swanky 1950’s diner and I awake as soon as I begin fornication with a 1980’s version of Kelly LeBrock… (more…)

Damn Sam! Double fisted Oh SNAPS! 1 of 2 Magic Roommates
Tyler Benson

“Home Is Where the Heart Is” adorned my childhood neighbor’s wall on a crocheted square foot of yarn; its hue reminiscent of aging newspaper. My neighbors had supper together every night. They allowed me and their son to conduct sleepovers during any summer’s evening in order swindle Nolan Ryan baseball cards for Dan Marino football cards back and forth. (more…)